I don’t often write posts like this. I’m sure it’s pride and some weird deep fear of being vulnerable. But I read blogs where people are vulnerable. Where people share. And they are my favorites. This is kind of new for me, but I’m going to do it. I’m going to hit publish when I’m done and send this out into space. If you don’t read it or don’t want to or think I’m crazy – that’s fine. It won’t hurt my feelings (as long as you don’t tell me).
Life is crazy right now. It’s not the first time that I’ve felt like ‘everything’ was in limbo, but somehow every time I feel that way it’s completely overwhelming – and everything seems so much worse than the time before! God always asks me to trust and I always fight against it…and He always takes care of me even if it’s not in the way that I imagined.
Right now I’m pregnant. My new baby is due in mid-August. I have a 16-month old. We are doing our best to be on adventure with God and right now we believe this means joining a church plant. In a part of Austin that we love. In a part of Austin we really probably can’t afford. But we put our house on the market anyway. It’s probably overpriced. We can’t afford to accept much less than our asking price. Jeremy’s company is struggling. There might be significant lay-offs coming. His profit sharing has been cut. We’re struggling to meet our monthly budget. In August, when Colette is born, I’ll be finished with my current part time job and with it, my small but helpful salary. Jeremy could lose his job. We could lose our insurance. We could be forced to sell our house and without a job be unable to rent and then we would have to move in with other people with a toddler and a newborn! I’m getting ahead of myself, where was I? Life is crazy. Jeremy’s grandmother is dying. She lives 2+ hours away. I’m not sure she knows Jesus. She won’t come live with us and wants to die in a nursing home, alone. That breaks my heart.
These are the actual things going on around me. I’m not sure I should even start listing the things going on in my head. It’s all muddled and doesn’t make sense anyway. My crazy pregnancy emotions are throwing curve balls at me every step of the way anyway. I don’t remember crying so much last time I was pregnant.
I’m finishing up a women’s Bible study right now and we’re going through Dwight Edwards’ book Experiencing Christ Within. God is teaching me a lot more through this book and through my group than I anticipated. Did you know…
- “Until we ruthlessly shed all hope and confidence in our own ability to carry out God’s will, no amount of sound Bible teaching on the subject will make any practical difference in our lives.”? (pg. 198-199)
- “Our problem isn’t in trusting God; it’s in trusting God alone. We want to know His help is there when we’ve run out of options, but our flesh can’t bear the thought of His being our only option.”? (pg. 194)
- That sin is foolishness? That when I sin by not trusting in God then all I do is stress out but when I trust in God I have peace? (pg. 155)
- That when God gave us a new heart he put the desire to obey him in it and gave us the power to do it?
I did. I knew those things. Of course, just because I ‘knew’ those things doesn’t really mean anything. God is still constantly teaching me things that I already ‘know’. He’s teaching me hard things right now. I’m jealous. I’m jealous of some of my dear friends (dear friend, you know it’s you, please forgive me for being jealous of you. Stop apologizing to the computer screen – you don’t have anything to apologize for. Somewhere inside I’m deeply joyful at how God is blessing and taking care of you. Don’t stop talking to me about it. Don’t feel guilty about it, you shouldn’t. I just want to be real and right now I’m a little jealous of you). I’m jealous because I’m comparing my situation with that of others’. I’m jealous because apparently God doesn’t have the same cookie cutter plan for every person I know (and at another moment I would probably thank Him for that). Apparently God wants to show up in my life in a different way than he showed up in my friends’ lives (I know, how dare He?). I’m jealous because I’m not being content with what God has already given me and I’m discontent because I’m comparing myself to others, and I’m not trusting God because, well, it’s hard. It’s so hard. It shouldn’t be. I mean, He is trustworthy. He has proven Himself to me before a time or two. Why is it so hard? It still is even if it shouldn’t be.
Trusting God is the best and the worst.
Letting go of myself and letting God take over is painful and liberating.
Giving up control (that I don’t actually have anyway) make me want to vomit and fly.
One of the women in my small group hasn’t known Jesus for a very long time. She described it as having a split personality, two different desires raging inside of her. She asked if that would go away. We smiled and said no. The Spirit of God lives in us but our flesh won’t stop fighting back until we finally make it to heaven. That must be why trust is so hard. But the truth is my deepest desire really is to trust God. I just have to choose. Over, and over, and over again. When I help my friends pack up their home, I need to trust God. When I get to see the new home God has miraculously provided for them, I need to trust God. When God finally decides to show us what the next step in our little life is, I will really need to trust him because I’m fairly certain that of all the scenarios I’m picturing, it’s not going to look like any of those.
I need to trust God. Feel free to pray for me. Feel free to ask God to show me gracious reminders that He is trustworthy. Feel free to pray that I would choose to trust and choose to use the power to obey that God has put inside of me.